SO, I GUESS THIS REALLY IS GOODBYE...

I have no right to demand anything from you now. No right to get hurt and no right to hope. In the onset, we have made it clear already. It could’ve been fine if I didn’t jump into conclusions like you said. But believe me, I didn’t. I knew what I saw & you know exactly what I am talking about. I felt the waves of reality hit me, I desperately retreated in the shadows of denial. “Do you’re research…”, “Abante? Manila bulletin? Tonight?”, “You believed in me, but you never trusted me, change that habit, bye again”, How could I ever forget those lines? I was struck, my tears well up. You’re right, di kita kilala, hindi kita nakilala non. I don’t know whom I was talking to at that time, a very different person - a total stranger. At that time, I wanted to ask you, Where was this guy who were once mine? Si yabi asan? Mahal ako non e, hindi ikaw yan, hindi sya ganon! You made believe you were you. I hate the thought of losing this inner battle with my emotions but denial is now proving to be a useless refuge for sudden realizations and for bitter truths.

Before, I was hoping for a long lasting relationship, more so, of honest and unconditional love. It’s so sad, I never knew it was going to end up this way. I did try to forget you. Hated you, for some obvious reasons. I have tried countless times to cover it up letting go. But the toughest thing about it is that the sting lingers long after the wound has supposedly healed. And yes, I am still hurting. How I wish I could simply forget everything at an instant. But I know time does that for us. It’s still there painful as ever.

About me & my dad, mas close kami ngayon. Sobrang nagsisisi ako kung bat ganon nalang ako sumagot sakanya before. He thought me a lot of things, sobrang dami ng advice. He was my strength at that time. I remember when he saw me crying sa kusina, I opened up to him, muka kong batang inagawan ng candy. Iyak ako ng iyak. He hugged me so tight. I cried so hard as I saw him stare at his little girl, parang gusto nyang sabihin na sana sya nalang yung nasasaktan & not his unica hija. I felt my heart squeeze painfully some more. I couldn’t make myself believe that after all the things that I’ve done & all the things we’ve shared, you still chose to hurt me.

Yeah, I’m all good. Busy sa skool, sa work, sa gym… Oh, about Edward? Yah, he’s good, really nice. Hindi pa sya nanliligaw or anything. Though he’s planning to make ligaw, ayoko pa. I don’t wanna rush into things now, mahirap na. He said he’s willing to wait naman, & I’m glad he respected that. Good thing he wants to meet my family, & friends. I could see he’s sincerity. But it’s just that I’m not yet ready. I want to be fair enough to him. Ayoko naman icompare yung past relationships ko if ever. I won’t hurt him. Never.

Condolence nga pala. Hope maging ok naman papa mo & also your family.
So aalis ka na pala, ingat ka dun. I do hope you’ll be happy sa Mindanao. It’s nice to hear you’ve got your ever loyal friends with you. One-call away lang naman e, malayo man malapit din =). Now I’m not faking it, I do hope for you to be happy inspite of it all. I loved you too much Jazz, too much nagmuka akong tanga! Too much that its hurts so bad! Too much that I allowed you to hurt me through & through! That’s TOO MUCH… & I guess too much is enough.

This is not bullshit. Atleast now, you’ve got the balls to speak up for yourself. Whether it is true or not… bahala na si batman.

Nice to know you’ll be home soon. There I know you would feel so much special, loved, & wanted. Kung di ko man nabigay sayo dati yon, pasenxa na. Everything’s ok atleast. Pag balik mo seksi nako, di na kta papansinin. Joke. When you come back sana kilala mo pa ko, I do hope magkita pa tayo. By that time, all the wounds would mend & I’m sure ok nako non. Sana ikaw din.

Enough of all the hurt. I know I am talking like as if di kta nasaktan. I’m sorry for the words. I realized I have to forgive you, & to forgive myself aswell in order for us to have peace of mind & complete happiness. The pain has now become a familiar dull ache. An ache brought about by missing you so much and relieved only by memories of you & what we once had. It’s not that I regret everything… I just realized that I am no more immune to love than I am to pain. And I have to end all this, like what you wanted. I need to. We had to. I’ll miss you. You will always be a part of me yabi.

So, I guess this really is goodbye….

Sorry for everything…

Bye.

Ex.yb

Comments

[oDa]

"you deserve lots and lots and lots of happiness.."
lagi ka nlng kc umiiyak..

smile.. ms marami nagmamahal syo.. mnsan di mo lng sila nppsin.. ^_^

God Bles!